It's been strange. We've been here many times when he hasn't been, whether in the Philippines or, more recently, in hospital then being released when we are here. So it's as if he's just elsewhere for the moment. I guess belief in the afterlife lets you continue that framing. And he made things as easy as possible. His wife had time to make tentative plans so he could go directly to a family-owned funeral home loosely associated with his church. Happily, he had a will and I was able to start the probate process quickly.
As he was dying it was interesting how different the sibling experience was for each of us. I know the relationship with my youngest brother wasn't the greatest and I moved out of province at 20 so that give some idea of how my youth went. I thought my next brother and him got along ok but from his eulogy, there were lots of challenges and I can see how it influenced his relationship with his sons.
The Eulogy (more or less)
My father ***, what can I say. Born *** to a well-to-do family he grew up working in some of the family businesses driving trucks, running a wood mill and doing all kinds of things. When I was young my father would tell me of his life growing up as someone of privilege. How servants delivered his lunch at school in sterling silver dishware, how his family had a yacht, how there was someone who made the family jewelry and other things I can't even remember right now. I would ask; Dad, why aren’t we rich also? And my dad would say, make sure you have a will! Anyway as he and his siblings got older many went to study abroad in Europe and other places. That is when my father as he put it; I’m going from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a big pond when he came to Canada. A man who was disciplined, a man who was focused, a man of reason who spoke clearly and expected others to behave the same. Growing up observing him I saw these traits made him larger than life in some things and overbearing in others.
In my time with him, I saw he lived 2 lives. The first life was with my mom for whom he said he would be the provider and raise a family. The second life with his second wife where he would have to learn to let go of some control and to accept people for simply who they were.
In his first life with my mom, he came to Canada in ***. Joined the RCAF, was stationed in ***and where they had their first child ***in ***in ***. He was soon transferred to *** where they had their second child (me!) in ***. During all this time he was also studying to complete his high school diploma. In ***, after a brief stop in Comox, he was stationed in Vancouver. This was a time of opportunity. He worked in Search and Rescue, attended the Fine Arts program at UBC received his degree in English literature then earned his education certificate. In *** he became a father for the third time to Gregory while starting a new career of becoming a primary school teacher.
My father was a genius mechanic. We had several English sports cars he would restore and sell. By the age of 13, I could disconnect an engine and have it ready to be pulled out. His last project in our old family home was a 1951 Chevrolet Torpedoback 4 door which he had already begun a body off restoration. Unfortunately, it was never completed. He later learned MIG welding to work on his Karman Ghia project car. He kept working on sports cars until he lost a lot of his sight, selling the last of them in 2018.
He was also very social. Mom met *** *** at the beach and the two couples, ***, ***, Mom and Dad became fast friends with their young families. Dad became busy with the *** Club. I remember the club Christmas parties, Stanley Park cricket games and visits down to Birch Bay. We later moved out to Port Coquitlam to be closer to his work - he taught at an elementary school***. After moving to another part of Port Coquitlam, he and *** met the other pivotal couple, *** and ***. ***, also a car enthusiast, went with Dad to many show and shine car shows over the years.
He retired from teaching at the age of 60. Sadly, then mom passed away in 1994 at the age of 55. Those friends, ***, ***, ***and ***helped dad with his grief and ushered in his second life.
Chapter 2
My dad first met ***at my son ***christening. ***said, hey Mr. Lall, you’re single and ***is single so why don’t you get together. I laughed. Then one day I went to visit dad and who should open the door but ***! They were keeping their rendezvous secret. BUSTED The rest was history. ***was the ring bearer at their wedding 20 years ago.
They traveled well together and we have many happy photos of their visits to different areas of the US, on a short cruise but mostly they did a lot of traveling to the Philippines. Dad loved it there often staying months at a time while *** returned to Canada. They fixed up *** house in Laguna and built a beach house in Katanowon. He loved spending time there with ***. He loved everything about the Philippines from the people to the climate to the lifestyle. He even took his sister and friends there. I had the pleasure of holidaying with them one year and we had a great time.
He brought his club social skills to bear with great Christmas and Birthday parties and *** was the ultimate party planner. The parties were all family-style blending old friends and new and he remembered everyone’s names. His physical health took a turn for the worse in the last few months and he relied heavily on *** but his mind remained sharp. He would recite recipes and directions that *** could cook and they would turn out wonderfully. When alone with *** and regular visitors he would spell words and count things together. Visitors were always welcome and they even had a small party for *** birthday earlier this month.
In closing, I can’t express how thankful I am for the support from ***, *** and all the people who so selflessly gave their time. Without them, Dad would not have been able to spend his final days at home with May.
My memories were very different. I know when the favoured son came along, I felt relegated to the dutiful daughter role - something I didn't fit well and resented until distance and age brought insouciance. I guess he couldn't see how my life paralleled his. I didn't tread the road he planned for me - like he didn't tread the road his father laid out for him. I remember as a child that his father left Trinidad the day before we arrived for a long-planned visit...pretty sure there was a will and he was excluded; he had no contact with him certainly after his mom died. I moved away from home, although not to another country, and returned to school a couple times after graduation. I recognized his influence on my choices and was really appreciative of being able to spend that month with him building an adult relationship. My only regret is we always left for our trip home before people woke up so there was never a goodbye... is that a regret though?
The house is full with people who had come to help care for Dad near his end. His wife's culture has 9 days of novenas which really helps here with the grieving process. I feel such relief at his passing it's hard to be sorry he's gone although I will miss him. He didn't want to be a snarky old man reliant on others but he wanted to support his wife in her health problems. I think he trod that line pretty well.
