I swear most of the time these types of problems are because we expect our partners to be pychic. Get out those negotiating skills before you are too angry.
I felt hard done by with household duties back in the first decade of marriage because I did most of the day stuff and weekend cleaning. Since I had the motivation I sat down and listed all the tasks and how long they took. Then we sat down and picked tasks based on which ones we liked doing the most The ones neither of us liked we sucked up and picked. Then just left the other person to do the tasks on their schedule and pitched in to help if we felt like it. I don't know if it did anything for Fred but it helped me let go of things I felt I had to do and that the time was fairly evenly split.
With Fred currently home retired he's been plucking away at big projects and my part is doing tasks I don't like (cleaning up the kitchen). It will be interesting to see how household tasks shake out when we're both retired. The problem used to be that Fred wanted us to do "housework" at the same time. Now it's not. People grow up.
https://amp.thecut.com/2018/06/ask-polly-why-do-new-mothers-hate-their-husbands.html
So much this though " I guess I’m tired of always asking and feeling like I’m managing an enthusiastic employee who fails to take initiative."
ReplyDeleteI felt like regardless of how I communicated its like he never really heard me. I wanted to eat him alive on a daily basis. The only thing that made him finally listen to me was breaking up with him.
That's a shame. Shar Banning we didn't have kids to add into the mix when our discussion happened but I have had the convo about parenting being non stop with no breaks unless both parents parent. Not one be the parent and the other a helper.
ReplyDeleteHaving kids is an unrelenting job that never gives up no matter how much you need a break and no matter which way you slice it.
ReplyDeleteI've actually sent this to The Man to help us with strategies around building a better home life for all of us (kids included as far as chores go) so I thank you tons for posting this. I'm hopeful that this will help guide us in some constructive conversation.
Hope you try the negotiation tactic where everyone picks the tasks they like most to do. When I read the idea it was unusual but really made sense. Everything still gets done and plays to people's strengths.
ReplyDeleteThat's the plan
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting, I'm definitely passing this on to my husband too. Our baby is only 6 weeks old but this woman's letter is so relatable it's almost scary.
ReplyDelete